Beo-WHAT!? : a rant.

[Eric Wiese]

Beowolf: the movie, 2007. A review based on the TV commercial that aired no less than 6 times in an hour last night.

Eric's quick capsule review: GGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! MY EYES!! THEY BURN!!!!!!!!!

Now like many of you, I was forced to read BEOWOLF and its companion novel GRENDEL in high school. I don't remember anything about the books, (or high school for that matter, as I spent all four years in the art room heroically inebriated.) I can only assume they were trying to teach me about 'juxtaposition' and 'point of view'. Pretty heavy concepts for a 16 year old, especially considering that for me 'Juxtapose' was that cool, dirty art magazine with pictures of tattoo chicks, and my 'point of view' was limited to what I could see with my head deeply inserted up my own ass.

That said, I am familiar enough with the story to know that whatever the author did to piss god off, surely it wasn't bad enough to warrant having his work raped in such a manner. This is the ugliest movie Ive seen since... well since Robert Zemeckis' last "animated" feature; That spooky Santa Clause thing with the ten thousand zombie Tom Hanks.

Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT? Why mo-cap? Can you not see how crappy it looks? Are you really so blind as to think these wooden performances and dead lighting somehow enhance this "film"?

The fact that people can sit around and refer to this vomit-inducing travesty as "animation" makes me want to cry. Not just Ma and Pa Kettle from the sticks either, but people who work at animation studios! Jesus, you do this for a living, and you cant tell the difference?! SHAME ON YOU!!!!

The only thing animated about this picture was the look on Zemeckis' face when he saw his paycheck. If I wanted to see Angelina Jolie act wooden and read dialogue in a bad accent, I need only sit through any of her movies that she actually appeared in. At least then I can stare at her boobs.

But this is what we accept. Its our fault. We pay money for this crap, while actual animators who spend lifetimes honing thier craft look for work at Wal-Mart. We have lowered the standard so far underground that this glorified video game "cinematic" will probably win the oscar for Best Animated Feature.

I wonder if they are hiring any cartoonists on Mars? I need to get off this planet...

[Clinton Racine]

I read the books too in school. When I heard Beowulf was going to be made into a movie, I was psyched at first because I was expecting something like Gladiator. But when I saw the movie poster....*sigh*...my psychosis died right there.

[Vincent Veidt]

Okay, I've been avoiding that trailer like the plague since the film was announced (along with, like, three other movies based on the stories [seriously, what's up with that? They did it in 2005 with War of the Worlds, too... how many times do we need to see the same movie each year?]) Anyway, I just watched the trailer for the first time so that I could comment here, but before I do that, I should tell you a little about myself. I never finished those damn tales... I stopped reading the first time I though "Why am I reading about this a$$#*%& ?" and I didn't lose the grade because I taught freshman English my sophomore year instead of reading Beowulf and Grendel.

Now, I'm no fan of 3D/CG animation to begin with... it's boring and looks stale and uninteresting (a.k.a. "realistic"). On top of that, [begin rant] I can't stand when a motion capture user claims to be an animator... it sickens me. You're not animating, you're pushing buttons to synchronize someone else's model with someone else's movements. [rant end] Now, in the case of these Zemeckis films, the models are designed to look like the actors providing the motion and the voices... that's my wtf moment, why have the big name actors make the film (without shooting it, of course) and then "animate" over their motion capture foortage. Really, and people say that television animation is a waste of budget. This picture bothers me... does anyone else want to help me make something better to put in front of the Oscar committee? It could be a cheap little 90 minute film on how low our standards have sunk... actually, that sounds like a good idea.

[Will S.]

Amen....
By the way, I also have yet another gripe about Beo-who-the-!$#%-cares.
Originaly, I heard it was to be rated 'R'. Violence, and some swearing, and Angelina Jolie. I understand. I even saw a Red Screen rating thing (Instead of the green thing they show before previews) on youtube. Then, just a few days ago. Guess what? PG-13. WHAT THE ^&%!!!! (I bllep myself for no reason whatsoever)
I know this might not be a problem for all of the 11 year olds wanting to see certain 'things' from a certain 'AJ'. But comon! In the trailer, I saw more blood flying than in the entire Resident Evil movie (current). Seriously MPAA, what the Fruit?

[John Fountain]

I had the same reaction when I saw 'The Land Before Time VI: The Time of the Great Giving'...

...except the boobs part.